Betrayed

I can't help feeling betrayed nowadays. I've always had good friends. I have a large number of acquaintances and friends, but only a select few I truly trust and can talk to about anything. Or so I thought at least. Very few people know that I have a hard time with depression, and even fewer would ever suspect that of me. I'm the girl in class who always has something on her heart and likes discussing. I love guys and get along with them amazingly, although I kinda have this I-hate-you-but-not-really relationship with them. But I smile a lot in school because I have my two best friends and all my other friends, and honestly I should have very little to complain about living such a privileged and wonderful life.

But now I dare complain for the first time. Lately I've felt like my friends don't like me anymore.. I'm not talking about the people I'm friendly with, but I'm talking about my two closest friends. In our "gang" I've always been the glue. One of my friends has been my best friend since kindergarden and the other became my best friend in eight grade and I introduced them. So that's why I've always kinda felt like the glue, or the white part in the oreo if you will. But being with them is not like what it was anymore. I'm pretty sure I haven't changed that much, but maybe they've realized that I'm not as great as they initially thought I might be. Or maybe I've become boring without even noticing it. I don't know. I've never experienced this before.

I started feeling weird when talking to my childhood friend became weird and almost awkward. We've walked home together for 10 years and never have we ran out of things to discuss. It's hard to explain but even the silence used to feel nice. But now it was terrible. Initially I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was slowly becoming an awkward person or something. But after thinking about it I realized it wasn't me, but rather my friend choosing not to take interest in anything we talked about. That hurt, I thought she didn't like the way I was. So I tried to change. I knew I could be seen as rude because I often jokingly act mean to my friends, so I tried not joking about stuff like that and became nicer instead. Didn't help. I knew that my friend sometimes thought I talked about myself too much, so I avoided starting any sentence with I for a week. It didn't to much either. And this went on for a while, and I thought that maybe things would get better if I gave them space. But when I returned I received the same behavior.

It got worse and now they constantly keep me out of things. They exclude me when they go to the gym so I end up just going alone. Going to the gym together is kinda our thing and now I get invited if one of the others can't go, because they don't want to be alone. They even completely "forgot" to mention that they were going to a concert with some other people as well even though they knew I liked the artist playing. This was especially awkward because people kept asking why I wasn't going, and I didn't know what to answer because the only real reason was because I wasn't invited. I don't feel "safe" when I'm with them and I know they talk about me behind my back.

So I don't know what to do. This whole thing makes me feel so broken and it really triggers my depression even more. The worst thing about all of this is that I can't figure out what I've done. Why do they suddenly start doing this to me now? what has changed? Is it just because I'm me? It must be, I don't see any other likely explanation..

For now!

I apologize for not blogging in a while, I have a lot going on with finals and all that. Please forgive me^^