First day of highschool!

I was all stoked about starting at a new school where I knew nobody and could have a completely fresh start, until I remembered that starting in a new school where you know no-one means you'll have to be more social and giving than normally. Truth is I too was scared shitless when I woke up on a monday and realized I was starting school, and I'm writing this to let you know that there's really very little to be afraid of.

This was the only picture I had from school, yes I know.

I'm of course extremely lucky at times so I ended up being in the same class as the two other girls I knew from before, so I wasn't in it all alone. But even with that said I was so nervous walking in the classroom. It didn't help my nervousness that there was 21 girls in my class and only 12 guys. AND, all the girls were stunning. holy crap! The first thing we did was sit in a circle and we played some standard social games that you always do at first-anythings. Like interviewing the person next to you and then tell the rest of the class about this someone. I was yet again lucky as I was seated next to a very fun and pretty girl who I got along with super fast. The rest of the day passed with a breeze of nervous laughter and lots of introduction and I was left with the impression that I was going to have a good time with my class for the next few years. And the best thing about starting at a new school like i did is realizing that you have friends outside school as well who you can spend the whole day looking forward to meeting if you have a crap day.

So that was just my experience and my main advice is not to stress too much even though I know that can be an impossible task. But in the end you have to realize that everyone else in your class are also just sitting there wanting to make new friends just like you!

Until next time, live free!

Betrayed

I can't help feeling betrayed nowadays. I've always had good friends. I have a large number of acquaintances and friends, but only a select few I truly trust and can talk to about anything. Or so I thought at least. Very few people know that I have a hard time with depression, and even fewer would ever suspect that of me. I'm the girl in class who always has something on her heart and likes discussing. I love guys and get along with them amazingly, although I kinda have this I-hate-you-but-not-really relationship with them. But I smile a lot in school because I have my two best friends and all my other friends, and honestly I should have very little to complain about living such a privileged and wonderful life.

But now I dare complain for the first time. Lately I've felt like my friends don't like me anymore.. I'm not talking about the people I'm friendly with, but I'm talking about my two closest friends. In our "gang" I've always been the glue. One of my friends has been my best friend since kindergarden and the other became my best friend in eight grade and I introduced them. So that's why I've always kinda felt like the glue, or the white part in the oreo if you will. But being with them is not like what it was anymore. I'm pretty sure I haven't changed that much, but maybe they've realized that I'm not as great as they initially thought I might be. Or maybe I've become boring without even noticing it. I don't know. I've never experienced this before.

I started feeling weird when talking to my childhood friend became weird and almost awkward. We've walked home together for 10 years and never have we ran out of things to discuss. It's hard to explain but even the silence used to feel nice. But now it was terrible. Initially I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was slowly becoming an awkward person or something. But after thinking about it I realized it wasn't me, but rather my friend choosing not to take interest in anything we talked about. That hurt, I thought she didn't like the way I was. So I tried to change. I knew I could be seen as rude because I often jokingly act mean to my friends, so I tried not joking about stuff like that and became nicer instead. Didn't help. I knew that my friend sometimes thought I talked about myself too much, so I avoided starting any sentence with I for a week. It didn't to much either. And this went on for a while, and I thought that maybe things would get better if I gave them space. But when I returned I received the same behavior.

It got worse and now they constantly keep me out of things. They exclude me when they go to the gym so I end up just going alone. Going to the gym together is kinda our thing and now I get invited if one of the others can't go, because they don't want to be alone. They even completely "forgot" to mention that they were going to a concert with some other people as well even though they knew I liked the artist playing. This was especially awkward because people kept asking why I wasn't going, and I didn't know what to answer because the only real reason was because I wasn't invited. I don't feel "safe" when I'm with them and I know they talk about me behind my back.

So I don't know what to do. This whole thing makes me feel so broken and it really triggers my depression even more. The worst thing about all of this is that I can't figure out what I've done. Why do they suddenly start doing this to me now? what has changed? Is it just because I'm me? It must be, I don't see any other likely explanation..

For now!

I apologize for not blogging in a while, I have a lot going on with finals and all that. Please forgive me^^

How my weekend might go

So tomorrow is friday
I currently feel horrible and I know I'm just getting worse by the minute so this is how I imagine my weekend will go down:

The supreme t-shirt is ironic because supreme is the furthest away from what I'll actually be feeling.

The perfect gang

So next year I start fresh! New school new place and most importantly; new friends! I'm not moving or anything so I have the benefit of keeping my old friends as well as the new ones, so this is pretty much only positive! I decided to keep a list of 50 things I want to accomplish during first year of my new school. nr. 1 is to "make a group of friends that I'll know for the rest of my life". And I already kinda have this but after watching like a billion tv-shows through the years I've lived and experienced a lot of different friendships I've developed this dream of a perfect and absolutely amazing friend group!
This is what it consists of:
1. My best friend. I want this one friend that the whole gang started out with, she's very different from you, but you share some common interests and it works because you just click. You can talk to her about pretty much anything and you always have each others backs.

2. My best guy friend. Him, number 1 and you are like the tres amigos or something. He is the guy you friend-zoned from day one, and he did the same to you (so no emotions will f*** up this relationship). He will act as your gay best-friend regardless of if he's gay or not.

3. The girl who shares one of my guilty-pleasure-interests. By this I mean the things you don't broadcast that you actually enjoy. Like for example in my case: K-pop, anime and youtube. You will have our little secret youtube channel that is all about K-pop and anime and have inside jokes like no-one else. She will also be the one that takes you to all the conventions and introduces you to all the hot asian boys she knows.

4. My soulmate. I'm pretty sure that I already know this person. So I'm not sure if I'm gonna meet a new one like him, but who knows, right? This is the guy who just gets you. It's the guy who will write the same essay as you with the exact same opinion and examples without you even talking to each other. You will completely freak out yourself and your friends with how alike you are, and you'll often be adressed as the female version of him and vice a versa. Your similarities just work. You might date, you might not. But I know that no matter what happens, fate will find a way to freakishly cross your paths again.

5. the heart throb. The guy who will make you fall head over heels for him and then break your heart, and then make you want him again. He's most likely super-attractive and you'll hate him for that. But even if he breaks your heart it's okay because he's also your friend and you can't get rid of him that easy.

6. the girly girl. The one in the group that balances out the girly-ness. She is an  expert on boys and makeup. And she's also kind of a rebel and doesn't care that much about school. She's great for sleepovers, pillow-talks and for days where you'd rather skip class.

If life was a movie the rest of our teenage years would consist of us hanging out at food courts, drinking slushies, kissing boys, going to house parties and skateboarding.
But other than that we wouldn't be popular, we wouldn't not be popular either, but all in all we just really wouldn't care. Somehow we would stick together through all the unnecessary drama that most likely will occur and I would know these people for the rest of my life. What do you wish for in a gang?

JB is a jerk?

When JJ project released the song bounce was the first time I was introduced to them, I liked the song, but wasn't really into the guys so I ended up not becoming a huge fan. But I supported their music and JYP in general.

Then, later on, I decided to watch Romantic & Idol because I'm pretty much obsessed with Mir and want to see every show he's in (If someone knows about any good shows with Mir, please let me know!) And this was also when I recognized JB, although I was very Mir biased at first I ended up getting really into the series and liking pretty much all the people there. Except for JB. During the first date he seemed like a really nice guy and he's not exactly lacking in the looks department either so I was pretty sure I was going to like this guy!(^_^) But that didn't last very long..(._.) He looked good with Seung Ah and treated her well at first, but then he went on that one date with Fei and (in my opinion) became a jerk. I understand that he liked Fei and all, but after she chose someone else he should get on with his life. I mean, there's a limit to how much he could've fallen in love with her, when she even said the date was a bit awkward and silent. And when Fei was moving on to other people after knowing him for two days he just didn't stop obsessing, and seemed super awkward and overly attached. I wouldn't have minded this behavior, if it wasn't for the fact that he became so selfish and jerk-ish. If he was nice he would've at least been nice to Seung-ah, and treated her with respect even though he wasn't into her. 

The way he treated her made me so angryヽ(`Д´)ﾉ Poor freaking Seung-ah had only been on one other date with Mir (and they pretty much had a brother sister relationship so it didn't seem like she was actually into him) and other than that she only knew JB. He should at least take into consideration how shitty it makes a girl feel when he is constantly on about Fei. Especially when that girl only has him. When you're on a date and you get a mission (keep in mind that it's a mission so it's something everyone has to do anyways) to give your partner a back-hug  you don't just not do it. There was no reason for him not to do it and it made Seung-ah feel like crap and probably really unwanted. That was just unacceptable. And I know I'm not the only one who noticed this really childish and jerk-ish behavior from JB towards Seung-ah because you could see that Hyungsik thought his behavior was awkward as well that one time the three of them went on some kind of date. And Hyungsik is the perfect example of how he should've behaved. He treated Seung-ah like a lady and tried to have fun with her even though Seung-ah was kind of JB's date/responsibility and he was obsessed with Jihyun.

I'm not even sure if JB realized he was a jerk in the end and just gave up on Fei or if it was just the producers who told him to do so. If I was Seung-ah at that last couple picking I would feel even worse if JB chose to stay with me, because it seemed like he only did it out of pity. Kinda like how a popular kid is sometimes especially nice to a nerd because the nerd is just that ugly. So JB really shocked me with how immature and unprofessional he presented himself during this show and that's pretty much my point with this whole long rant. Sorry JB fans!